A PAINFUL TWIST ON GRATITUDE

Here is my story of how an emergency surgery saved my life and reminded me of the power of GRATITUDE.

Let’s start from the top, shall we?

A few months ago, I began to feel some pain in my abdomen. Being busy, and not wanting to interrupt my life and my work, I ignored it, thinking it might go away.

Just in case you’re wondering, that’s never a good plan. Because it didn’t.

After a Few Weeks…

I went into work around 6 am. Taught a group class. Did a workout of my own. Then went with a few trainers to walk around a nearby neighborhood to hang some door hangers to promote some new offers we have going on at the gym. About 10 minutes into walking down a side street I’d be assigned…. The pain started again. By the time we were wrapping up and heading back to the car, I was struggling to walk, and it got too much to ignore. By the time we arrived back at the gym, the pain was intense and my stomach was distended so much that I knew there was a SERIOUS problem. I went into the locker room and curled up on the shower floor, hoping the cold tile would help with how overheated I’d become. The pain was getting worse by the minute, and soon the pain was so extreme I couldn’t speak. Barely able to stand, I peeled myself off the bathroom floor and somehow managed to walk out of the gym and make it to my car. I drove myself to the nearest hospital, and the rest felt like a blur. After a few hours of tests, x-rays, sonograms, and some more time riding pain like I’ve never known, I was diagnosed with Cecal Volvulus.

CV in the ER

Cecal volvulus, a type of intestinal obstruction, happens when a section of the large intestine (called the cecum) completely detaches from the abdominal wall and becomes twisted around itself, leading to a compromise in blood supply. Cecal Volvulus is a very rare condition with high morbidity and mortality if not recognized. One of my doctors said that if I hadn’t admitted myself into the ER that Friday afternoon, she didn’t think I would have made it through the weekend.

I had an NG tube inserted while I was still in the ER. A nasogastric (NG) tube is a flexible tube that's inserted through the nose and into the stomach to either deliver substances or draw them out. After abdominal surgery, an NG tube can be used for a number of purposes, such as decompressing the stomach, relieving pressure, and preventing any other potential digestive blockages. Administering drugs: To deliver oral medications (big fan of this feature). And suctioning: To remove stomach contents and relieve pressure. It’s usually removed within 48 hours after surgery.

I fought my way through Friday night with the emergency surgery planned for early Saturday morning. Most of it was a blur… I just remember being so thirsty that I begged for just a tiny sip of water. Denied. And not because the medical staff was mean but because they needed my stomach to be as empty as possible for the surgery. At one point I was so desperate, I begged anyone who would listen if they would let me have an ice cube. One single ice cube. Nope.  But finally, Saturday morning came, and it was time to go to the OR.  I said goodbye to my parents, and they wheeled me away in my hospital bed. Once I was in the OR, one of my surgeons asked me, “ok, are you ready?” Before I could say no, I was asleep.

Surgery

At first, they performed what’s called a Diagnostic Laparoscopy, which is a minimally invasive surgery using small incisions and a camera to look inside my abdomen. The doctors decided they needed to perform a more extensive surgery to remove the right part of the colon. They made a large incision all the way down my stomach to do this. Then they did what’s called a Double-barrel end-ileostomy. This is where the end of the small intestine (ileum) is brought to the surface of the abdomen to form a stoma (an opening) to allow waste to exit the body.

(Hang with me here! We’re almost out of the blood and guts portion of this story. You’re doing great!)

Next up was a “Proximal transverse colon mucous fistula.” A separate opening was created in the upper part of the transverse colon to allow mucous to exit the body.

Additionally, they used a flexible tube to look at the lower part of the colon and relieve any pressure caused by a blockage.

The Next Two Weeks

I spent 2 weeks in the hospital. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink anything for the first few days, although I did, finally, get my hands on some ice chips. I had no energy. I didn’t turn on the tv or even pick up my phone for the first few days. I was still in pain and any movement whatsoever felt unbearable. If I wanted to sit up, I needed my nurses’s help. Getting out of bed to use the bathroom, I needed multiple nurses to help me stand, walk, sit, and get back to bed. I can’t begin to explain everything that was going through my mind… my mental health was just as fragile as my physical health. On my worst days, I would repeat, “You can’t fail if you don’t quit,” over and over to myself.

I didn’t quit.

After the first week I was able to walk with assistance. I’d go a little bit further every day. One small step at a time.

Recovery

After 2 weeks in the hospital, I’m now at home. My mom is staying with me to take care of me. Once a week, I have a post-op appointment with my surgeon. And a few times a week a nurse who is a specialist in treating ostomy patients comes over to check in on me and change my bag/troubleshoot any issues it may be causing me.

All the same, the last few weeks have been a tunnel of pain, fear and uncertainty.

But today, I turned a corner

For time first time in weeks, I can sit up and get out of bed on my own.

I can shower on my own.

I can walk down the 3 flights of stairs in my apartment to get outside on my own.

I can walk my dog…at first just a block. But we go a little further everyday. Today we made it all the way to the dog park down the street. I was able to sit with the sun on my face and breathe in the fresh air and play with her at the park.

Is it painful? Yes.…
But I am doing it.
I. Am. Doing. It.

 I cooked a proper meal on my own yesterday.

(I lost 16 pounds while in the hospital, so I am eating as much as I can, and whatever I want (doctors orders!) to put weight back on in order to speed up my healing/recovery and get my body ready for a second surgery in a few months. So there have been lots of burgers, Chik-Fil-A, mashed potatoes, high calorie protein shakes, and, my favorite, pizza. But being able to prepare the food AND cook AND clean up a bit afterward on my own felt good.

The Gratitude of It All

As I sit here today, writing this, my overwhelming feeling is one of the deepest gratitude.

I’m grateful that I’m through the pain, at least for now.

I’m grateful for the morning sunshine, and the fresh air while I walk my dog.

I’m incredibly grateful for the people who helped me get to this point - my family and my friends. I’m beyond grateful for the nurses and doctors, who helped me through the last few weeks. For the surgical team who saved my life.

I’m grateful that I’ll be seeing my team at PFP (bosses and other coaches who have been supporting me and in my corner this whole time) again soon. I’m grateful they kept a spot for me, encouraging me to take the time I needed to heal before returning to work…. Which has become not just a gym, but a second home filled with some of my favorite people, in just a short amount of time.

I am grateful for my ostomy. As someone who had no idea what an ostomy was and woke up with one after emergency surgery, I was frustrated and terrified. It is a big adjustment, I’ve had complications with it that are extremely painful and I am still frustrated and terrified. I have a sense of shame telling anyone about it. In writing this, I’ve just realized that it’s the most I’ve shared about it with anyone besides my family and hospital care team.. mostly because of the stigma attached to ostomies (not quite the “cute accessory” I wish it was, an ostomy helps collect the waste my body is having trouble expelling).

For now, it is necessary. As uncomfortable as it is and how frustrating it can be, it is serving it’s purpose and I’m grateful.

But I’m even more grateful that it is temporary. I will have surgery to get it reversed in just a few months.

I am grateful for the strength and resilience in my body after surgery, grateful to have the chance to nourish it back to health. I am grateful that slowly but surely, I am starting to be able to do the one thing I miss the most, MOVING MY BODY. As someone who thrives on movement, being a dancer my entire life and now lucky enough to train and encourage others to feel strong and experience joy with movement, whether it’s in the dance studio or in the gym.

What We “Get” to Do

I was born to move. I don’t think I understood what a privilege it was to be able to dance and strength train and move freely until it was taken away from me.

Whether we mean it, most of us have caught ourselves in the “have-to” hamster wheel when it comes to exercising. “I just got back from vacation, so I have to go to the gym.” “I had pizza last night, so I have to go for a run.” “I have to get all of my steps in today.” Sound familiar?

What if, you flip the script and remind yourself that you GET TO do these things? Because, when the ability to get out of bed on my own, to walk to the bathroom without pain, to pull the heavy (at the time… felt much like pulling a sled in the gym) hospital tray table towards me to get close enough to reach for my water to have a drink….. I thought back to days when my source of my motivation was punishment and reward.

I don’t have to move. 

No, I get to move.

I am able to move. I am lucky to move. I AM GRATEFUL TO MOVE. 

The story of my surgery is my unique story. You don’t need to have endured pain or a recent traumatic event to find a reason to be grateful for the small things in life.

Taking a pause for gratitude is important. It’s a small thing to do. It takes very little time. But it’s special.

Wherever you are today, and whatever you’re doing, I hope you can find something in your day to be grateful for.

It may not strike you immediately.

You may have to look for it.

But when you find it, just take a moment, a little time, to really notice it and feel grateful.

It’s not as easy as it sounds.

But don’t worry, your busy life will still be there to go back to when you’re done.

One Final Quote 

I’m going to do it, I’m going to share an “inspirational quote”.… stay with me here.

It’s a line from one of my favorite movies, The Princess Bride.

“If you haven’t got your health, you haven’t got anything.”

It’s a cliche, because it’s true.

And another good gratitude reminder.

This “painful twist” helped me to realize that even life’s most difficult circumstances offer us something. They challenge us to make us stronger. They present us with new information that can serve to redirect us. They make us realize how precious our loved ones are, which helps us to cherish each moment we get to spend with them. They shock us into appreciating how much of our health we take for granted: our abilities to see, to talk, to walk, to feel. In fact, I’ve begun to consider that the challenges in my life are not happening to me; they’re happening for me. I just can’t see far enough into the future to know how.
 

With sincere gratitude,

Katie